Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
