You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
