ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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