I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
