Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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