I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
