I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
