Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
