so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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