I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
