Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
