I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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