living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
