she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
