In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Come on in and take your pants off
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