Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
