last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
