Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
