After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
