Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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