the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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