Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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