so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
