Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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