I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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