I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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