tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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