i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
