I wish I could punch you in the face.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
