it hurts more in the daytime
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
