There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
