I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
