Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
