You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
