I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
