nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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