Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
