My hair reeks of homosexuality.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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