My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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