Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
