I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
