me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I think I just sharted jello shots
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
