so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
