john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
