Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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