Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
