...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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