I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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