my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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