Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
